10:13 p.m. - 2016-02-06
What a fucking mess
This diary seems to be the one thing I can turn to when I'm most fucked up. Maybe it's the connection to those times when I was so honest, and stupid, and it was easy to let the world know my inner most feelings. But maybe it's because after all these years it is still a secret. No one will ever read this but me....in a few years time.
It's certainly nice to see nothing about me has changed. I still hate myself. i still want to die without actually killing myself. i can't believe drowning in the bath didn't cross my mind.
Adam cheated on me. And I know the last entry or two was about me waking up drunk in another man's bed but this time adam wasn't drunk. And we're now married. Not even one year ago. Some girl through herself at him, and she's hot, and talented and probably smart as hell so why to let her suck him off? Why not plan to fuck her all day? And why not sneak behind his wife's back pretending to still love her all the while making some other woman feel like she's the most beautiful girl in the world?
My self esteem is non-existent. I have wonderful friends who have said all the right things but the one person who matters can't. He keeps making himself the victim. Like I'm supposed to feel sorry for him. And I do.
Finally I have the courage to tell him exactly why I'm such a fuck stick. It's hard to be happy when you hate yourself so much. And your husband can't for whatever reason make you feel beautiful. Then goes and mouth fucks some hot wench who is just......perfect.
Why don't I have suicidal tendencies? Why can't I bring myself to end this? God knows I'm miserable on this planet. It only took 9 and a half years but I finally got Adam to prove to me what he really thought. That he actually hates me as well. Even if he still can't admit it. And he keeps saying he has a problem.....yeah, me. If it weren't for me he could have any woman he wanted. Everyone loves him. He's amazing. He deserves someone pretty and someone cool. He doesn't deserve me. He doesn't deserve my fucking problems.
